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Breaking Out of My Box

It has been over a week now since I received a life-changing reading. I feel like I have been living on a high. There is something so freeing about having clarity and a direction to pursue when it comes to my emotions. I have realized this week that I had been trying to fit myself into a tiny, neat little box. Always questioning why I was such a hot mess. Trying to hide the fact that my emotions were mirroring those around me. I felt like I had no right to feel the way I did. Those people were experiencing their situations first hand and who was I to think that I could even begin to understand what they were going through? I felt selfish and self-centered. Above all, I felt confused. I have never been one to be all about myself. With me, it has always been about helping others and putting their needs above my own. So why was I feeling it necessary to relate my friends’ experience to myself? I was lost and I didn’t even know it.

This week I have begun to learn that I don’t need to hide my emotions. I shouldn’t have to try and force myself into a tiny, neat little box. Life is messy. Things aren’t always black and white and they won’t always be able to be put into specific categories. As people, we try so hard to fit into ‘social norms’ and we are losing our individuality in the process. We weren’t created to all be the same. Every single person has individual thoughts, feelings, and experiences, all of which are valid. No two people are exactly alike. Why do we feel the need to squash ourselves to fit in? If losing myself is the price, I don’t want to fit in any longer.  I am breaking out of my box and man does it feel good!

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A Revelation

I learned something about myself this week. I guess it is something that I have known about myself for a long time but never knew what it meant or that there was a deeper meaning behind it. But the moment it was spoken to me, something just clicked. You can call it a moment of profound clarity or maybe an awakening of sorts if you wish, but all I know is now I can’t un-hear it.

I am going to ask that you keep an open mind as you read this post. This week I met an Angel Reader. Now, before you completely write this post off as a crazy lady’s account of a psychic scam, I urge you to continue. I had a great deal of skepticism going into the reading and I wasn’t sure what to expect at all. All I can tell you is that it was amazing. And in some incredible ways, life affirming. I will spare you the complete details of the group reading, all you need to know is that this woman was spot on with everything she was saying to everyone at the reading. She read our Auras, gave us a spirit reading, and allowed us to ask questions. I am still blown away by the experience, and still processing.

While reading my Aura, she informed me that I am a bright blue which is apparently indicative of an Empath. She asked me if I liked going to malls. I explained that they weren’t among my favorite places and that I typically don’t like large crowds. She said that is actually quite common among Empaths due to the fact that they tend to absorb feelings and emotions of people around them and large crowds tend to be emotionally overwhelming. We talked about my tendency to feel emotionally connected to those around me. How I am the person that others are drawn to when they need to talk. That when my friends are experiencing grief, I am deeply affected by it. My whole life I have always been the ’emotional one.’ The crier. The soft heart. After speaking with this woman, my outlook has completely changed. Everything she was saying made so much sense to me.

For as long as I can remember, I have always felt emotions deeply. When I am talking with someone and I tell them that I know how they feel, it’s not just a cliché. I really know how they are feeling. It’s hard to explain, but I really can feel it deep down in my soul. This is why I cry when I read a tragic news article, or feel a deep sense of sadness when a friend is experiencing a difficult situation. Movies, books, and even TV shows have a profound effect on me. I am so emotionally invested in every aspect of my life and that is just how it has always been. I’ve always just written it off as me being overly emotional. That I was just a hot mess, and even though I couldn’t explain why I was crying after watching Say Yes to the Dress, I was ok with me. After hearing what this reader had to say to me, it was like being able to see my whole life in a different perspective. One that made sense. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true.

For example: I absolutely love watching Glee. I think the draw for me was the musical aspect. I have always said that I wish my life had a soundtrack and that my life would be complete if I could burst out in random song and dance. Last year one of the main actors passed away unexpectedly and the show did a tribute episode for the actor. I started crying exactly  1 minute into the episode and continued crying well past the ending of it. For the next two weeks, I felt really impacted by it. I kept replaying the songs and scenes in my head and I couldn’t shake the intense sadness I felt for a man I had never met before. Now looking back, I understand where that intense sadness came from. There is so much freedom in finally knowing why my emotions are always so intense.

I know it sounds crazy. I’m  still trying to process it myself. I am doing a lot of online reading and research and it all makes perfect sense to me. I am not crazy. Being able to connect with people on such a deep emotional level is really a beautiful thing. This is a really exciting revelation for me and I cannot wait to learn more about it and about myself in turn.

Stay tuned, this is going to be amazing.

Color Me Crazy

Well, here it is. Months of training and hard work are about to come to fruition. My very first 5K is tomorrow!! I’ve huffed and puffed, cursed and doubted, had victories and losses, but tomorrow it’s all about celebration! I finally hit the 3 mile running-without-stopping mark and I am so proud of myself no matter what. The Color Run is in Cleveland way early in the morning and it is going to be awesome. If you don’t know what The Color Run is, let me tell you…

The Color Run is a benefit run held in multiple cities throughout the US. The money from the Cleveland run will be going toward local charities including a playground fund for one of the schools. This run is not timed and you can run, walk, crawl, cartwheel or line dance your way to the finish line. It is a family event and people of all ages and physical fitness levels are welcome. Here’s where it gets crazy. You start off wearing white and at every K of the race there will be certified ‘color throwers’ that throw powdered paint at all the runners. Each K is a different color so by the time you reach the finish line, you are no longer wearing white! 🙂 Once you hit the finish line, you hang around for the color cloud. Every runner gets one packet of powdered paint in their race packet and every 15 minutes  at the finish line every runner throws their paint into the air creating a giant cloud of colors that covers everyone! Crazy right? YES!

I am so pumped about this! So here is to my teammates who will run and laugh and get painted with me! Good luck team Taste The Rainbow!

Be Jealous. We are about to have a blast!

Only Me…

Sorry for the long absence…I told you I wasn’t good at keeping up with these things….

 

Anyways…moving on….So last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and I was super excited becuase my bf and I were going to go to Cambrige for camping, four wheeling, food and guns. ( I wasn’t so thrilled about the guns, but he was… 🙂  ) Last week was just like any other week. I spent my mornings at the gym and the afternoons looking for a job and running errands and whatnot. Friday’s are my long days at the gym. I take a water aerobics class at 7:30, then I run 1-2 miles and then take a 55 minute fitness class. I usually have no problem with this. Well last week, I ran into a problem. Squatted into it would be more accurate I suppose… There was about ten minutes left in the class and we were doing a pyramid of these things called flurry squats ( I prefer my flurries from McDonalds…) You squat really low and your arms are upper-cutting (is that a word??) really fast and then you start jumping your squats while upper-cutting. We did ten seconds, twenty seconds and thirty seconds. After we were done with that I felt something that wasn’t quite right in my back, so I decided to take it real easy the last of the class. Well then it was hard to breathe and I couldn’t twist at all…uh oh.

 

I left the gym thinking that I must have tweaked my back. Those of you who know me, know that I have a lot of back issues/hip issues. Usually the pain is in my lower right back, but Friday it was in my mid back. I couldn’t take a deep breath or twist without any pain. So I called my chiropractor (you’d think he would be on speed dial by now…) and made an appointment for that afternoon. There was no way I was going to miss Memorial Weekend and all the fun that was bound to occour! I get to the Dr’s and he yells at me, of course. (Did I mention that I had just seen him Monday…) He pushes around on my back and then informs me that I popped a rib out of place. Seriously!?!?!? Only I can pop a rib out of place at the gym. Ugh. He proceeds to pop it back in place. Now. I don’t know if you have ever had anything dislocated or not, but I’m pretty sure putting it back hurts worse then popping it out. I’m sure I said “fudge monkeys” at least 5 times (yes acutally “fudge monkeys”) and the Dr kept laughing at me telling me to relax. That is not an easy thing to do when you feel like your Dr is about to squish you like a bug…. He finally gets it into place and shows me how to stretch it out and then told me to take it easy….crap. I wanted to go crazy this weekend. So I asked him what my restrictions are and he said “Well, what are your plans this weekend?” I told him I was doing what every American was doing…Barbeque and camping and….four wheeling….. His face was priceless. He flat out laughed at me and said “You get on it and tell me how your ribs feel after.”  Well, he didn’t say no! 😉

 

Good news, I went camping AND four wheeling and my ribs did okay!! Better news? My bf got me to shoot a gun for the first time. I shot a .22 rifle and my best round was 9/15 hits. Not too shabby! 🙂 Best news? I had an amazing weekend despite my injury.

 

Something to ponder about today….I dislocated a rib at the gym, how hard did you work out today?  🙂

 

Happy Friday ya’ll!

This is your fair warning…this blog entry has the potential for getting lovey-dovey mushy. So if you are uninterested in reading about this kind of stuff, I will not take offense if you do not continue reading. 🙂

 

A couple weeks ago my boyfriend and I were driving around in his Jeep just talking about anything and everything. Eventually we made our way to the topic of random and completely irrational fears. We covered the basics ( I will not betray his trust by letting you know his… 🙂  ) mine include spiders, heights, bugs with a lot of legs, cobwebs and the list continued a bit. We covered the surface things and then it went a little deeper. In hindsight, my next irrational fear probably stemmed from the fact that he was heading to TN for a long weekend in a couple weeks (which is where he is at now actually).  I confided in him that I was a crazy woman and that my brain gets out of hand when I tend to think about certain things. I mean, I’m sure most women would admit that when they are left alone for any amount of time that their minds run rampant. He asked me what I meant by it and I attempted to explain to him how my brain works. Scary, I know.

 

I told him that I have always had a hard time with separation from people who are close to me and that I am much better at it now, but I still have slip ups. I said that I didn’t want to be that all-controlling and nagging girlfriend who wants to know her boyfriend’s every move and location, but that I needed reassurance that he wasn’t going anywhere and not coming back. He laughed and then told me that he couldn’t NOT come back to me. (Which of course made my heart melt.)  Then I told him that this is where I get crazy. If I know he’s going on a long drive or trip and I don’t hear from him in an extended amount of time (I’m talking hours people, not minutes. I’m not THAT crazy…) my  mind goes nuts. I start thinking about the worst case scenarios and then I start to get panicky. He again asked me what I meant and I told him that my brain can go from thinking everything is  fine to you’re in a ditch somewhere dead in 2.5 seconds. To which he promptly starts laughing. “Fine to dead, huh?”  was his official reply I think… So we definitely had a good laugh about it. I mean, I did try to explain the female brain to a man…

 

Fast forward to this weekend and I am suddenly remembering that conversation very clearly. He left for his trip last night and I have only heard from him once when he got there and then finally again just a little while ago. I sent him a text that said “Are you alive? lol”  Almost an HOUR later he responds….Let me just let you imagine what my brain was thinking in that hour…. Not too pretty, huh? So once I finally  heard from him I felt a lot better. My woman emotions and my overly imaginative brain calmed down and I kindly reminded him of my irrational fear. I told him that the fine to dead scenario is way intensified when he was actually out of state and that I was glad he was totally fine and that he was having a good time. He apologized and reassured me that he was coming home. Basically I feel much better now. 🙂

 

The moral of this story is that you know you really love someone when they go from fine to dead in 2.5 seconds in your mind because you haven’t heard from them in a long while. You also know that someone loves you when they embrace your crazy brain theories and appease your worries by responding with “I sure am” without stopping to laugh at you for your obvious craziness. Sorry ladies, but I’m pretty sure I have the best man in the world. 🙂

I’m Sexy And I Know It

Ok so it is now officially March and many people have fallen off the “I’m gonna lose weight” New Year’s Resolution bandwagon. I didn’t exactly have any New Year’s Resolutions but I did start my own weight loss journey at the end of January. Let me just give you a brief history of my past weight loss successes/failures… I NEVER stick to a gym/workout program. Ice cream is my weakness. I crave caffeine in soda like it’s my job. I like to be lazy. So far these things don’t exactly make a great, healthy woman. (Shocking, isn’t it?) Well this year it is different. A large part of my motivation comes from my amazing bf. He lost about 50lbs last year and is still continuing to do so well. And let’s face it ladies, we don’t want our man looking hotter than us! 😉  This coupled with the fact that I realized I gained a huge amount of weight since I graduated high school made me make up my mind to start a new weight loss journey.

I signed up at my local YMCA and have been going strong ever since. I try to stick to a rigid 5-6 day a week workouts and am definitely watching what I eat. So far I have lost 11lbs and am feeling fantastic! Woo hoo! It hasn’t been the easiest journey and I’ve had setbacks, but I’m pushing through them to achieve my goal of a healthier, fit me. Now, if you know me, you know that there has to be some funny stories along my journey. Let’s start off with the time I had no clue what I was doing and decided to try and lift weights on the machines. I went to the Y with my sister and we were gonna go in there and pump iron and get fit and be beautiful. (ok we are both beautiful so this would make us even more beautiful-er) My sister sat down on this one machine where you put your legs over a bar and have to push the bar down with your legs. She tells me that the machine next to her was the same one. I kinda look at it and told her that I didn’t think it was. I got on it anyways. The bar on this machine was way higher than hers and I told her there was no way I could do it. She kept encouraging me to try and put my legs way up on the top bar. Now mind you, we are in a gym in the evening full of all these ripped woman and buff men who obviously spend their lives there and we look like complete dorks. After about five minutes of us laughing hysterically at my inability to get my legs up on the bar, a woman on the machine across from us finally takes pity and tells us how to use it. Thank goodness. What a great start to my journey, huh?

Now let’s move on to Zumba. Ohhhhh Zumba. A few weeks into my new fitness routine my sister convinces me to try a Zumba class. A little history here- she has a dance background, I played soccer for 10 years… If you don’t know what Zumba is, it’s dance style workout. I was extremely leery about this but I did it anyways. Let me tell you, I am probably the most uncoordinated and rhythmically challenged person you have ever met. I couldn’t get the cha-cha down to save my life. Everyone would be going to the left and I, of course, would be going right. I’ve never done so much booty shaking and chest popping in my life. I’m pretty sure that my hips were confused seeing as they have never moved like that ever. But I sucked it up and did the whole class. And I came back for another. Big mistake. This class was really full and my sister and I were in the front of the room which is lined in mirrors. So not only do I feel like I look like an idiot, Isee myself looking like an idiot. I felt so absolutely ridiculous. Another bad thing about being in the front is that the instructor has a clear view of you too. I can’t even count how many times she locked eyes with me to help me with the daggone cha-cha. “Left, right, leftrightleft, right, left, rightleftright.” Oh how humiliating… Oh well. At least I can say I tried it twice.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that even though it might be hard and you might not know what you are doing, keep going. Everyone has to start somewhere. I started somewhere between trying to bend my body to reach my legs up on that bar and looking like a complete dufus doing Zumba. I’m glad to report that I have learned some things and am no longer looking like a complete idiot (sometimes…lol) If you are lucky, in another blog I will tell you about my newfound love for water aerobics! 🙂 In the meantime here is a photo that probably really depicts how I felt during my attempts at Zumba…

You Wanna Hear A Funny Story?

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a deathly fear of spiders. It’s not just your typical girly-girl reaction which usually consists of screaming and flapping of the arms, nope, I have full-fledged panic attacks at the mere sight of the eight-legged monsters. My palms get sweaty, my heart races and by NO means will I go within 10 feet of the things. If one happens to catch me off guard I will most likely scream like a 3 year old little girl and there has been a tear or two shed before. I don’t like them. They don’t like me. I’ve also been known to call someone to kill a spider if I spy a massive one in my house and I am home alone…Yeah, it’s really that bad…

This brings me to my latest adventure in spider phobia. I am currently helping a friend redo a house that she bought. I am there by myself most of the day spackling, sanding, washing and taping woodwork. The other day I was going about my business with the radio turned up and I was doing my best to sound like Adele when out of the corner of my eye I spotted one of those eight-legged creepies. It was on a baseboard next to the fireplace and it was staring at me. That’s right, you read that right, it was STARING at me. Immediately I froze and the heart started racing and my palms were sweaty. We had a 15 minute staring contest. The whole time I kept thinking to myself ‘Jen, this is ridiculous. You are wearing tennis shoes, just step on the dang thing. It’s not gonna get you. Just do it.” Finally I mustered up enough courage and inched my way towards the thing. Taking deep breaths I lifted my foot and swiftly lowered it onto the baseboard. Immediately I jumped backwards with a little yelp only to discover that the monstrous spider was nothing but a ball of fuzz. That’s right. I got into a 15 minute staring match and all worked up over a ball of fuzz.. Only me….

Did you miss me?

Well here goes nothin, folks! I haven’t written anything in quite some time and usually I stick to poetry, but a new year brings new thoughts and I feel the need to share. Lucky you. 🙂 Feel free to look back at the few posts that I did a year ago…comments are always welcome!

So what does one write about in her very first ‘blog-like’ entry? I figured I’d just wing it and give you a short glimpse into my mind, which in fair warning, can be a crazy place. If you have met me, you know that I am a seriously goofy individual that doesn’t really care what others think of her. So what if I break out in random song or show off my latest not-so-awesome dance moves in public? The way I look at it is that life is way too short to be so serious all the time. If I wanna sing, I’m gonna sing. If I wanna dance, I’m gonna dance. Why? Because it’s what makes me happy. And if I look like a total dork, great! Maybe I made someone else’s day. Everyone needs to laugh once in a while and if they happen to see my awesome white girl two step, chances are they are gonna bust a gut. 🙂 Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you.

Life is full of ups and downs and this blog is going to be my journey through it all. Some entry’s might funny while others are more serious. Perhaps I might dabble again in poetry. Lord knows I have enough of my older stuff stashed away in a spiral-bound journal somewhere and maybe I’ll share those too. I don’t promise to be enlightening or to have perfect grammar all the time. Life is messy. My thoughts are messy. This blog will more than likely get messy too. Hang in there with me, I’m sure you will find something to laugh about. 🙂

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A sad weight lingers in the quiet
As memories overpower the present
Like a movie reel, constantly in motion.
Scenes flash by, each one with its own feeling;
Timidity, joy, sadness, love, heartbreak, uncertainty.
Unrelenting in their efforts to burden the viewer.
Tears slip silently from her eyes; watching, remembering.
Unable to turn away.
Wishing uncertainty would end.

Broken Beauty

Whispering thoughts linger
Swirling, tumbling, colliding.
Desire conflicting with reason.
Glimpses of what could be
Jumble with visions of what ifs;
Knowing it could be perfect.

Pushing forward
Despite realizing my flaws.
Praying for forgiveness.
Hoping life will untwist
This impossible knot
I’ve entangled myself in.

I’m not perfect,
Nor will I pretend to be.
There is beauty in brokenness.
I am broken, therefore I am beautiful.
See me for who I am,
For who I am meant to be.

Whispering thoughts linger,
Bubbling to the surface.
Begging to be recognized,
Terrified to be rejected.
I am broken, it’s true.
But that does not mean I am not worth it.