Tag Archive: lost

Winter Flower

It is quiet tonight
The icy breath of winter has claimed her hold
A frozen snapshot
Of a land once green with vibrant life
Do you think a flower knows
It will only bloom in the heat of the sun?
Does it know that in order to grow again
It will have to give itself back to the soil?
What I wouldn’t give of myself
So you could have your future
No matter how hard
The anxiety makes my heart pump
It can never beat fast enough
To bring you back
Tears that fall at your grave
Cannot make you grow into existence
I know this, because I’ve tried
I would hold my breath for eternity
If it meant your lungs could breathe instead
The stark cold silence of winter nights
Leave me awake to count sheep
But my mind can only count reasons
Of how unfair this life can be
The restlessness of a thousand ants
Course through my limbs
And no matter how fast my feet are going
I cannot out run them
You see
The thing about the quiet is
Anything is possible
But anything doesn’t always mean good


Finding My Center

Something is missing; I just know it. There has been this nagging feeling that started in my head and has since travelled through every fiber of my being. For weeks I have been trying to figure out exactly what it is and I think I am finally uncovering the truth. I am missing. Or rather, more accurately, I am lost.

For weeks on end I have been stuck in this never-ending cycle that has overcome my life. Wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Repeat. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do as a Wig Specialist and Customer Service Associate and I have never been happier when it comes to living with and loving the man I am married to.  And sure, I have gone out with friends and seen family, but something is missing. I can feel it. It has nothing to do with others but everything to do with me. Somewhere along the way in the last few months, I have lost myself.

Just yesterday I had decided that I was going to come home from work, grab a book, and go sit on my back patio to soak up the warm spring weather and sunshine. I knew I needed to unwind and recharge and what better way to do that then to sit and listen to the birds sing, feel the cool breeze on my skin, and read an encouraging message. I used to be able to read anywhere with my uncanny ability to block out any potential distractions. I would be so immersed in whatever I was reading that nothing could interrupt me and I would be transported to a literary world full of wonder for hours at a time. Yesterday, I lasted a whole 5 minutes before my first distraction. My neighbors that live behind me have a garage where they constantly are working on a beat up truck with exhaust issues. Well they came out to tinker with the truck. There was metal on metal pounding and the rumble of the truck being started several times, along with various other noises that were drowning out any chance of a peaceful afternoon. I took a deep breath and tried to focus. It really shouldn’t be this hard to read. No sooner did I start getting into my book, my immediate neighbor came out to her patio and lit a cigarette. I, of course, was sitting downwind. About 5 minutes later, another neighbor came outside, this time with her little yippy dog. Once the little guy saw me, it was all over. He just went nuts. That’s about the time my husband came home and I gave up on my personal recharge.

I ended up being  more frustrated and uncomfortable after my attempt to regroup, than I was when I first sat down. I need to find a quiet place for me. A place where I can just sit in peace to release my stresses and frustrations and absorb the healing and calming elements of nature. I will be looking for a location this week for sure.

I talked to my husband about all this and he is wonderfully supportive. I told him I wanted to start taking walks with him in the evening so we can recharge together. I also expressed that I wanted to look into doing some yoga to help center myself. I feel so out of whack and I know I just need something to help my focus and stay grounded. I want to try meditating. I also need my creative outlet back. I used to love to write and I did it all the time. I have a thick journal of poetry that I had written while I was growing up and now reflecting on it, I can’t even begin to guess when the last time I wrote a poem was.

I realize this post makes it seem like I am incredibly sad, but I am not! I am happy and healthy and I have several jobs that keep my bills paid. I am married to the most incredible man that I could ever ask for. We have a roof over our heads and food in our fridge. We are incredibly blessed. I am incredibly blessed. This is more of a personal revelation and a chance for me to grow. It is time for me to take the time for myself. To center myself and to better myself in ways that will allow me grow as a person; to be who I was meant to be. It is time for a change.