Finding the Sweet Spot: Meditation

Well, I did it. I just finished my very first meditation! I had high aspirations to be sitting in a secluded spot outside in nature and really doing it right but apparently the Universe had other plans. After a very long (54 hour) work week and a bout with a flu bug, I decided I needed to try it now. There’s no time like the present, right? So I gathered myself to a nice little chunk on the floor of my apartment and set my timer for 10 minutes. Not really sure what to do or expect, I tried to focus on breathing. The first thing that I noticed was that my mind sure is loud. There is so much going on, running about in the background, and I never even had a clue.. No wonder I am tired all the time! Sheesh!

I tried to clear my mind and focus on breathing once again. Sitting with my back straight and my head held high I tried to consciously relax my body and just breathe. The most ridiculous thoughts were popping into my head. “I am breathing to heavy.” “Is that how I sound all the time?” “Am I breathing right?” Am I breathing right?? Seriously? I have been breathing my whole life and my brain chooses this moment to ask if I am doing it right? Wow, Jen. Just, wow. Focus.

Once I got the hang of breathing normally, I was able to focus more on myself as a whole. I tend to carry my stress in between my shoulder blades and decided that I wanted to remove that stress. I tried to focus my thoughts and tell myself to release that stress down through my body and into the floor to be absorbed. I know this sounds crazy, but I felt it move. Seriously. I could feel the fiery sensation that typically manifests between my shoulders, moving down the center of my back. And me, being easily distracted, got excited! I lost focus and had to start from the beginning again. I’m not entirely sure what to think of that, but I know it happened. Call me crazy if you wish, but I know what I felt.

Before I knew it, my timer went off! I lasted the whole 10 minutes without opening my eyes or giving in to my distractions. It was pretty cool. I learned that not only is my mind is incredibly loud and messy, but also beautiful and powerful. Did I totally heal my body and relieve all the tension? No. But I sure as heck feel a lot better now than I did before I started. I will most definitely be trying this again. Here’s to hoping I can find my sweet spot!

Finding My Center

Something is missing; I just know it. There has been this nagging feeling that started in my head and has since travelled through every fiber of my being. For weeks I have been trying to figure out exactly what it is and I think I am finally uncovering the truth. I am missing. Or rather, more accurately, I am lost.

For weeks on end I have been stuck in this never-ending cycle that has overcome my life. Wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Repeat. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do as a Wig Specialist and Customer Service Associate and I have never been happier when it comes to living with and loving the man I am married to.  And sure, I have gone out with friends and seen family, but something is missing. I can feel it. It has nothing to do with others but everything to do with me. Somewhere along the way in the last few months, I have lost myself.

Just yesterday I had decided that I was going to come home from work, grab a book, and go sit on my back patio to soak up the warm spring weather and sunshine. I knew I needed to unwind and recharge and what better way to do that then to sit and listen to the birds sing, feel the cool breeze on my skin, and read an encouraging message. I used to be able to read anywhere with my uncanny ability to block out any potential distractions. I would be so immersed in whatever I was reading that nothing could interrupt me and I would be transported to a literary world full of wonder for hours at a time. Yesterday, I lasted a whole 5 minutes before my first distraction. My neighbors that live behind me have a garage where they constantly are working on a beat up truck with exhaust issues. Well they came out to tinker with the truck. There was metal on metal pounding and the rumble of the truck being started several times, along with various other noises that were drowning out any chance of a peaceful afternoon. I took a deep breath and tried to focus. It really shouldn’t be this hard to read. No sooner did I start getting into my book, my immediate neighbor came out to her patio and lit a cigarette. I, of course, was sitting downwind. About 5 minutes later, another neighbor came outside, this time with her little yippy dog. Once the little guy saw me, it was all over. He just went nuts. That’s about the time my husband came home and I gave up on my personal recharge.

I ended up being  more frustrated and uncomfortable after my attempt to regroup, than I was when I first sat down. I need to find a quiet place for me. A place where I can just sit in peace to release my stresses and frustrations and absorb the healing and calming elements of nature. I will be looking for a location this week for sure.

I talked to my husband about all this and he is wonderfully supportive. I told him I wanted to start taking walks with him in the evening so we can recharge together. I also expressed that I wanted to look into doing some yoga to help center myself. I feel so out of whack and I know I just need something to help my focus and stay grounded. I want to try meditating. I also need my creative outlet back. I used to love to write and I did it all the time. I have a thick journal of poetry that I had written while I was growing up and now reflecting on it, I can’t even begin to guess when the last time I wrote a poem was.

I realize this post makes it seem like I am incredibly sad, but I am not! I am happy and healthy and I have several jobs that keep my bills paid. I am married to the most incredible man that I could ever ask for. We have a roof over our heads and food in our fridge. We are incredibly blessed. I am incredibly blessed. This is more of a personal revelation and a chance for me to grow. It is time for me to take the time for myself. To center myself and to better myself in ways that will allow me grow as a person; to be who I was meant to be. It is time for a change.