2019 Goals

This year I don’t want to use the word ‘resolutions.’ Instead, I want to come up with a list of goals that I feel confident in. Ones that will challenge me to work hard and take chances. Ones that will help me grow as a person.

This list is only the starting point. How can I possibly know every goal I want to achieve in 2019 on day 1? In no particular order, here are some of my goals for 2019:

1. Spend more time reading. This year I challenge myself to read books that I wouldn’t normally pick up. I want to read inspiring and motivational works that fill my soul and challenge my thinking.

2. Focus on my physical health. In 2018 I worked my butt off and lost 30lbs. In 2019 I challenge myself to be disciplined in my eating habits and consistant in my workouts. I challenge myself to not focus on the number the scale shows, but instead focus on getting strong and staying healthy.

3. Focus on my mental health. There will good days and bad days. I challenge myself to be proud of the good ones and be gentle with myself on the bad ones.

4. Concentrate on my marriage. Let’s be real, I have married an incredible man! This year I challenge myself to strengthen our bond further through laughter and adventure.

5. Practice more kindness. I challenge myself to spread love throughout the year. Buy a cup of coffee for a stranger, lend a listening ear, offer to help someone. Genuinely love others without the expectation of anything in return. I strongly believe that this is how we start to change the world.

I’m sure this list will grow and change with me throughout this year and I am excited to see where it takes me. I challenge you to come up with a list of goals that makes you excited for this year. Challenge yourself. Love yourself. Allow yourself to flourish. May 2019 be your best year yet!

Happy New Year!

Wishes and Wildflowers

The stars are out tonight; tiny pinpricks of wishes held inside balls of fire, thrusted into the sky by the hearts of the broken. Tears that have pushed their way past my tightly squeezed eyelids are reflecting off the universe as their owner, exhausted, begs for the strength to keep moving. How many gods do you pray to?

Some days it feels as if I am living in an alternate reality. A maze of fuzzy outlines that direct a script which I cannot memorize and I’ve found that my body can only take so much pretending. All this running around trying to be anyone else but who I am supposed to be has left me with a pounding heart and short of breath. I am out of shape with myself.

This year will be different. Laughter will bloom from my lips; a wildflower bouquet. When I think of wildflowers, I think of an open field with me in the center, arms outstretched and twirling in circles. I think of my head lifted up toward the sun and how light my body would feel unencumbered by the weight of all this pressure. I am floating.

But loneliness creeps in when the sun sinks below the horizon again; a silent blanket. My thoughts fill the darkness with anything but the truth. A relief to be out of sight from curious eyes, but so alone that billions of people turn into one. I have a love/hate relationship with the pitch black of night.

It is here I stumble upon myself again, covered up in the dark. I have lit up countless midnight skies with my tears. These wishes that cling to the hope that one day their fire will merge into a blazing sun and I will finally find myself in that field, filling it with wildflowers.

Winter Flower

It is quiet tonight
The icy breath of winter has claimed her hold
A frozen snapshot
Of a land once green with vibrant life
Do you think a flower knows
It will only bloom in the heat of the sun?
Does it know that in order to grow again
It will have to give itself back to the soil?
What I wouldn’t give of myself
So you could have your future
No matter how hard
The anxiety makes my heart pump
It can never beat fast enough
To bring you back
Tears that fall at your grave
Cannot make you grow into existence
I know this, because I’ve tried
I would hold my breath for eternity
If it meant your lungs could breathe instead
The stark cold silence of winter nights
Leave me awake to count sheep
But my mind can only count reasons
Of how unfair this life can be
The restlessness of a thousand ants
Course through my limbs
And no matter how fast my feet are going
I cannot out run them
You see
The thing about the quiet is
Anything is possible
But anything doesn’t always mean good

Lessons Learned While Grieving

1. Time is no longer measured in the traditional sense. It becomes impossible for your mind to process the passing of calendar days when part of yourself remains rooted in the moment your world went silent. You’ve become a boulder at the bottom of a stream where all you can do is watch the current move swiftly by while praying it is strong enough push you along.
2. Well-meaning people are everywhere. You desperately want to let their words comfort you, but all you can think about is how angry you are and how unfair it all seems. “I’m sorry” doesn’t offer the solution you are craving and you can’t place blame on “they’re in a better place.” These phrases lose their meaning. They become placeholders for actual conversations in order to mask the uncomfortableness that the topic of death tends to bring about.
3. Nothing will fill the hole left behind where the people you are missing should be. There are words that will never be spoken, and milestones you can never share. Thousands of potential memories lost in the reality of death. The realization that you will never get a chance to walk them through your first home or introduce them to your children will steal your breath and haunt your dreams. The vastness of this hole is far greater than anything you could have ever prepared for.
4. Some days are just hard. There will be no reason that you can pinpoint but your heart will ache and the elephant in the room will settle down on your chest, making it hard to breathe. You have to be patient with yourself. It is not an easy task to try to reconfigure what your life looks like without these people in it.
5. You will try to convince yourself that you are ok. One morning you will wake up and realize it has been days or weeks since your last breakdown. You will look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you have made it out on the other side. Somehow you have done what felt impossible at first. You will be confident. When you get in your car and the first song you hear causes tears to fall down your cheeks, you will realize that you had been lying to yourself.
6. You are definitely not ok. The quiet of the night will threaten to swallow you whole and sometimes your arms will not be strong enough to hold yourself together. Allow yourself some space to fall apart. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.
7. The dreams are the worst. They make the anxiety in your chest blossom while images of caskets and funeral processions fill every inch of the space between reality and unconsciousness. Some nights they even trick you into thinking nothing is wrong. That the people you are missing are right where you left them. When you wake, the truth crashes into your chest like a freight train, causing the lies in your dreams to go up in a ball of flames and smoke.
8. There will come a point when some people will forget the reason for the sadness in your eyes. They will stop asking how you are doing or if there is anything they can do to help. It will seem strange to you that something so central in your life has been forgotten, but it’s perfectly normal for them to move on from your tragedy. This is the point where you will start to feel alone. This is the point where you need to muster up all of your strength to fight the voices in your head lying to you about being alone.
9. Slowly you will begin to laugh again. Timid at first, but eventually the smile will make its way to your eyes. Instead of staying home, you will find yourself making plans and keeping them. Hope will start to push its way through the darkness; a shining reminder that there is still so much life to live. You will do your best to swallow the guilt you feel over living your life when everything in you is screaming about how unfair it is that you still get one.
10. You are stronger than you think you are. Every day is a battle fought in this war that you had no choice but to serve in. Your tears have created an ocean, but your body remains a battleship navigating the stormy waters. No matter what the demons in your head tell you, know that you are stronger than you think you are.

Moments

Life is made up of a series of moments. Many pass by without a second thought; a few are special enough to give us pause. But the rare ones are the ones that change us. They steal our breath away and alter the very core of our beings.
You read about these moments in novels and watch them play out in movies. How the impact of one event can create ripples in the lives that are affected. You watch in anticipation of whether the main character will use every ounce of strength they possess to change for the better or if they will slowly start to unravel. The suspense builds to a choice. Which will it be?
I never thought I’d find myself in that position. It never occurred to me that my life wouldn’t go exactly as I had planned. I assumed that my reckless optimism would help me forge my way through the muck and madness that comes with growing up. Adults never tell you that the world will do its best to beat the positivity out of you. They don’t tell you that no matter how hard you work there will be times that looking on the bright side won’t help. I’m sure they just want to protect us. To keep us safe from everything that will try to tear us down. But they can’t protect us from everything.
After my niece passed away, I knew nothing would be the same again. It was the first time in my 27 years that I knew what people meant when they said that life isn’t fair. My unwavering positivity flickered and I struggled with keeping it turned on. I became really good at boxing up my feelings and erecting a false face. I felt this overwhelming pressure to be ok. Like people expected me to be bounce back after a specific amount of time. What I am learning is that there is no bouncing back; no way to go back to a world before this tragedy. And I wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t want to live in a place where this perfect, beautiful little girl was never loved. If the pain we feel for her loss is any indication, that little girl is one of the most loved in the world. That kind of love and loss is something you can never just get over.
I spent the next year clawing my way towards a sense of normalcy that I wasn’t sure even existed any longer. As the anniversary of her birth and the day of her death approached, I found myself becoming more and more closed off. There was this constant pressure in my chest. I wasn’t sleeping. I didn’t want to hang out with anyone, but when I was left alone, it felt as if I was suffocating. Tears flowed regularly and the walls I had so painstakingly built to house the grief crumbled. It took me a full year before I could visit her grave. And when I did, I cried just as much I did on the day I kissed her goodbye. So much for finding ‘normal.’
I’m not sure how, but I survived that week. I survived the tears, and the heartache; the sleepless nights and the anger towards the universe. I made it through and I felt like I could finally start to heal. But life or karma or whoever decides our fates, wasn’t done yet.
I never could have predicted what October 2016 would hold. Most days I still try to convince myself that it didn’t happen. But it did happen. And I feel like I’ve been living in a nightmare ever since. I spent 23 hours over the course of 3 days in a car travelling to and from Florida to say goodbye to my grandpa. It was the first time in 4 years that I was able to see him and sometimes the guilt I feel over that fact threatens to swallow me whole. This was the man who watched over me as I grew up, taught me how to play cards, and danced with me around bonfires. He showed me how to shoot pool and bait my own hook. He instilled in me an intense love of cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies that I don’t even understand sometimes. And now I had to say goodbye.
I will be forever grateful for those few hours that I got to spend with him. Our conversation didn’t make much sense and it didn’t last very long, but I was able to laugh with him and tell him I love him. I got to hold his hand and kiss his forehead. As hard as it was to walk out of that hospice room for the last time, I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything.
My grandpa passed away the Wednesday after we arrived back home. I had just finished getting ready for work and was sitting down to eat my breakfast when I pulled out my phone to check Facebook. The first thing I saw in my newsfeed was a picture of him with some words written beneath it. To be honest, I don’t even think I read beyond the point where it said he was gone. I can remember how quiet it became in my apartment and how it felt like everything had just stopped. It took everything I had to not fall apart. I thought if I could just bulldoze my way through work I could go home and unravel in the safe space of my husband. I’d be ok. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t get that chance.
When I got home, the shaky ground I had been standing on collapsed. The nightmare I thought I was living in became almost too much to bear. I will never forget the look on my husband’s face when he found out that one of his friends had committed suicide. It’s hard to put into words what it feels like to watch the one person you love most in the world, get his heart broken and knowing that there isn’t anything you can do to make it better for him.
When he left the apartment that night, it was as if he took all the oxygen with him. I couldn’t breathe and could barely stand up on my own. I wrapped my arms around myself afraid that if I let go there wouldn’t be anything left holding me together. This couldn’t be happening. There is no way the world could be this unfair.
The following weeks were full of lessons. I learned that my husband is one of the strongest people I know. I watched as he became the rock for this group of people who couldn’t make sense of what was happening. He did everything he possibly could to help in an unimaginable situation. I learned that there is no measure of time long enough to prepare yourself to hear your husband speak at his friend’s funeral or to watch him carry his casket. I learned that even when you cry every day for weeks, your body still manages to find a reserve stock of tears. The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it over every single day.
One of the things I have loved most about myself is my ability to see the bright side of everything. How no matter what was going on, I could put a genuine smile on my face and find some way to make it better. I was naïve in thinking that the world could never knock out my sunshine. That I could go through my life radiating constant positivity. I’ve learned that this is an unrealistic expectation that I have had for myself.
The last 6 months I have been trying everything I can to stay out of my own head. The quiet moments are always the hardest; when the world is still and there is nothing left to distract my mind. I become very aware of my breathing and my mind starts to wander. Without realizing it, my subconscious will start showing me things that I’d rather not see and then I start to wonder what is wrong with me. I tried closing my eyes tight to drown out the onslaught of these thoughts but when I shut them, there is a steady stream of memories playing on a constant loop. There is no escaping it, even in sleep. In all of my life I have never had such vivid dreams as these ones. I find myself waking up with immense anxiety sitting in my chest after these dreams. Some days it’s so overwhelming that it’s hard to breathe. It takes me hours, if not days, to shake that feeling.
Working helps. It’s a scheduled routine where people expect me to be a specific place for a specific amount of time. They expect me to accomplish specific tasks and it forces me squash as much of the anxiety as I can. Outside of work is where I’ve been having issues. I have been struggling with balancing time spent by myself and time spent with other people. I want to be able to just go somewhere on a whim or meet up with friends spontaneously, but I’ve been finding it difficult to do anything that isn’t planned. Even hearing someone suggesting a different game plan instantly makes my heart race and my chest tighten. It’s not that I don’t want to go, because I do. I want to see people and go on adventures. I want to catch up with old friends and leave the house without a game plan. I want so badly to find that carefree, happy, and optimistic person I used to be. I’m trying, I promise. But some days I just can’t. I ask that you be patient while I am searching for her.
I write this not to gain sympathy, but merely as a tool to help myself process some of the most difficult emotions I have ever had to deal with. It’s hard to know where to start when you’ve never experienced anything like this before. I’ve been carrying around a tremendous amount of weight and writing helps to lighten that load; almost as if I am plucking the thoughts right out of my head and containing them in this document. Sounds silly, I know, but it seems to be helping.
It’s been six months since the ground fell out from underneath my feet and I am learning how to keep moving forward through this grief. Some days are good. I find myself laughing and smiling without having to force it and I know that means I’m healing. The bad days are still really rough. They tend to sneak up on me in a song lyric that takes my breath away or a dream that tricks me into thinking it is reality; forcing me to relive moments over and over again. I know this is all part of the process. Things will get better.
I’m ready for the part in all the books and movies where the main character starts to rebound. Where they regain their footing and start to build who they are after the moment that changed their lives. You know that they can never be the same person they were before their world changed, but the tone in the story leads you to believe that the new version of who they are will be just fine. They will start laughing without feeling guilty and making new memories. And one day, they will be able to look back and remember what happened and it won’t cripple them. It will sting and it will be sad, but it won’t take the wind out of their sails as it once did.
These moments that alter the core of our being are what shape us into the people we are. Falling in love. Having children. Completing a bucket list item. Chasing your dreams. These are all things that become part of us. But people don’t talk much about death as being one of those moments. Death is sad and tragic. It’s hard and oftentimes unfair. It forces us to cope with tough emotions and teaches us how to keep putting one foot in front of another. It is a jarring reminder that we don’t know how long we have with the people we love. Death changes the living.
If you are reading this, know that somehow, some way, you have changed my life. And I thank you for that. Know that you are loved and wanted; and that no matter how long it’s been since we’ve spoken, or what happened the last time we had contact, you can always reach out to me. Thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for continuing to be patient with me as I figure out who I am after these losses. You are important. Remember that.

More Flowers, Less Weeds: A Short Musing

So this whole meditation thing is amazing. I may not be as consistent with it as I’d like to be, but it is definitely a start. Heck, I may even be doing it wrong. All I know is that I feel a heck of a lot better.

I just finished reading “Count Your Blessings: The Healing Power of Gratitude and Love” By: Dr. John Demartini and man is there a lot of truth in that book. I found myself highlighting in my Kindle so many great tips and lessons that I wanted to remember.  One of my favorite quotes from the book is “Plant flowers or forever pull weeds.” So simple, yet so  brilliant! Those six little words hit me like a ton of bricks. How true is that statement? If you don’t start working towards what you want in life, you will never get there. If you aren’t happy with yourself, your job, your situation, etc., then you need to change something. What you are experiencing is lack of a goal. What you are ‘pulling’ is just stuff that is sitting in place of what you want. If you don’t try, you will continue to find yourself in situations that you are unhappy with. Making one positive change can start you on a path towards complete happiness. To a place where you want to be. More flowers and less weeds. Brilliant!

Meditation: Round 2

When something doesn’t seem to feel quite right, it probably isn’t. This is so true especially when you are talking about yourself and how you feel. If you have been reading along, you are familiar with the fact that I just feel out of whack. I am stressed, antsy, exhausted, etc. and so I decided that I needed to take steps towards bettering myself and finding my center. I am trying new things and evaluating how they make me feel. So far I am incredibly excited about what is happening!

I have definitely decided that I think I love meditation. 🙂

I consider my first attempt on Saturday a successful one and knew that I needed to try it again. So Sunday evening right before I went to bed, I dove into attempt number two! I sat on the floor of our bedroom and set the timer for 10 minutes. I immediately began to concentrate on my breathing while trying to tune out the crazy thoughts that run rampant in my mind. Part of me felt silly for what I was doing, but the bigger part knew that I needed to give this a serious go in order to find the peace and balance that is so desperately needed right now. Once I relaxed into my meditation, I decided to start telling my body to relax. Starting at the top of my head and working my way down to my toes, I let my muscles relax. I told the stress to leave my body. That it was no longer welcome. Once I finished that, I had this little tingly-like feeling telling me to recite some affirmations. From what I can only assume was my inner voice, I found the perfect affirmation/mantra for me:

“I am whole. I am happy. I am healthy. I am loved. I am Love.”

I kept reciting that over and over again until the timer went off. Before opening my eyes, I rolled my shoulders and did some light stretching and I felt great! I climbed into bed and fell right asleep! Now it could have been a coincidence, but I choose to believe that because I had that 10 minute unwind and recharge session, but I slept like a baby! It was amazing! Call me crazy if you wish, but this is happening.

I am challenging myself to meditate once a day for at least 10 minutes. I really, truly think that this is going to be incredible! Who’s with me?

Finding the Sweet Spot: Meditation

Well, I did it. I just finished my very first meditation! I had high aspirations to be sitting in a secluded spot outside in nature and really doing it right but apparently the Universe had other plans. After a very long (54 hour) work week and a bout with a flu bug, I decided I needed to try it now. There’s no time like the present, right? So I gathered myself to a nice little chunk on the floor of my apartment and set my timer for 10 minutes. Not really sure what to do or expect, I tried to focus on breathing. The first thing that I noticed was that my mind sure is loud. There is so much going on, running about in the background, and I never even had a clue.. No wonder I am tired all the time! Sheesh!

I tried to clear my mind and focus on breathing once again. Sitting with my back straight and my head held high I tried to consciously relax my body and just breathe. The most ridiculous thoughts were popping into my head. “I am breathing to heavy.” “Is that how I sound all the time?” “Am I breathing right?” Am I breathing right?? Seriously? I have been breathing my whole life and my brain chooses this moment to ask if I am doing it right? Wow, Jen. Just, wow. Focus.

Once I got the hang of breathing normally, I was able to focus more on myself as a whole. I tend to carry my stress in between my shoulder blades and decided that I wanted to remove that stress. I tried to focus my thoughts and tell myself to release that stress down through my body and into the floor to be absorbed. I know this sounds crazy, but I felt it move. Seriously. I could feel the fiery sensation that typically manifests between my shoulders, moving down the center of my back. And me, being easily distracted, got excited! I lost focus and had to start from the beginning again. I’m not entirely sure what to think of that, but I know it happened. Call me crazy if you wish, but I know what I felt.

Before I knew it, my timer went off! I lasted the whole 10 minutes without opening my eyes or giving in to my distractions. It was pretty cool. I learned that not only is my mind is incredibly loud and messy, but also beautiful and powerful. Did I totally heal my body and relieve all the tension? No. But I sure as heck feel a lot better now than I did before I started. I will most definitely be trying this again. Here’s to hoping I can find my sweet spot!

Finding My Center

Something is missing; I just know it. There has been this nagging feeling that started in my head and has since travelled through every fiber of my being. For weeks I have been trying to figure out exactly what it is and I think I am finally uncovering the truth. I am missing. Or rather, more accurately, I am lost.

For weeks on end I have been stuck in this never-ending cycle that has overcome my life. Wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Repeat. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do as a Wig Specialist and Customer Service Associate and I have never been happier when it comes to living with and loving the man I am married to.  And sure, I have gone out with friends and seen family, but something is missing. I can feel it. It has nothing to do with others but everything to do with me. Somewhere along the way in the last few months, I have lost myself.

Just yesterday I had decided that I was going to come home from work, grab a book, and go sit on my back patio to soak up the warm spring weather and sunshine. I knew I needed to unwind and recharge and what better way to do that then to sit and listen to the birds sing, feel the cool breeze on my skin, and read an encouraging message. I used to be able to read anywhere with my uncanny ability to block out any potential distractions. I would be so immersed in whatever I was reading that nothing could interrupt me and I would be transported to a literary world full of wonder for hours at a time. Yesterday, I lasted a whole 5 minutes before my first distraction. My neighbors that live behind me have a garage where they constantly are working on a beat up truck with exhaust issues. Well they came out to tinker with the truck. There was metal on metal pounding and the rumble of the truck being started several times, along with various other noises that were drowning out any chance of a peaceful afternoon. I took a deep breath and tried to focus. It really shouldn’t be this hard to read. No sooner did I start getting into my book, my immediate neighbor came out to her patio and lit a cigarette. I, of course, was sitting downwind. About 5 minutes later, another neighbor came outside, this time with her little yippy dog. Once the little guy saw me, it was all over. He just went nuts. That’s about the time my husband came home and I gave up on my personal recharge.

I ended up being  more frustrated and uncomfortable after my attempt to regroup, than I was when I first sat down. I need to find a quiet place for me. A place where I can just sit in peace to release my stresses and frustrations and absorb the healing and calming elements of nature. I will be looking for a location this week for sure.

I talked to my husband about all this and he is wonderfully supportive. I told him I wanted to start taking walks with him in the evening so we can recharge together. I also expressed that I wanted to look into doing some yoga to help center myself. I feel so out of whack and I know I just need something to help my focus and stay grounded. I want to try meditating. I also need my creative outlet back. I used to love to write and I did it all the time. I have a thick journal of poetry that I had written while I was growing up and now reflecting on it, I can’t even begin to guess when the last time I wrote a poem was.

I realize this post makes it seem like I am incredibly sad, but I am not! I am happy and healthy and I have several jobs that keep my bills paid. I am married to the most incredible man that I could ever ask for. We have a roof over our heads and food in our fridge. We are incredibly blessed. I am incredibly blessed. This is more of a personal revelation and a chance for me to grow. It is time for me to take the time for myself. To center myself and to better myself in ways that will allow me grow as a person; to be who I was meant to be. It is time for a change.